I remember in the first week after Samuel was diagnosed the diabetic nurse sat in my living room telling me that some parents have a period of time where they are 'mourning' the 'loss' of the child that they once had. At the time I remember thinking that that statement seemed very extreme. Samuel was still with us, we hadn't lost him, he was the same 4 1/2 year old that he was the previous week.
However, as time goes on, and gets a little bit older, has the odd bad day when he doesn't 'want' to be diabetic, I do find myself thinking 'what if' or 'if only.' I think it is only natural. As a mother I would give anything to take it away from him, who wouldn't?
I know that I can't do anything about it and this is Samuel now, but I do sometimes look at him and think of the Samuel that he was.......
The one, who with two of his sisters sat on the sofa, under the covers eating their body weight in biscuits when they thought we weren't looking. The one who could have the bag of crisps just because he fancied them, and it didn't matter what the time was. The one that could have the sweets that his friend took into school because it was their birthday.
The one who didn't feel tired and unwell because his sugars are low, or bad tempered and can't concentrate because they are high. Or the one who didn't have a care in the world and could enjoy being a child.
Actually, Samuel can enjoy being a child because we do the worrying for him, we do our very best at levelling his sugar levels so he doesn't feel poorly, and we try to treat him the same as his sisters. He probably won't remember much about his life before diabetes reared its ugly head, but we do. We were obviously chosen for a reason that as yet we don't know, we just have to get on with it.
So, when you sit down and think about it, I don't need to 'mourn' the 'loss' of the Samuel I once had, because he is still with me, and actually is pretty amazing the way he is, the same as his sisters.