As a rule I try and make my blog entries positive and upbeat, much of what I write has sad and serious undertones, but generally I am a positive and just go with the flow. I can't change the fact that diabetes took up residence and inflicts itself on not one, but two of my family members, it is what it is.
However, I find myself in a dark place, and quite frankly am not happy. I have alot going on in my head at the moment and it's not a good place to be but unfortunately you can't ever escape from your thoughts, especially when it's the middle of the night and there is nothing else to focus on.
Samuels levels are out of control in my eyes. He is constantly running high these past few weeks and I can't seem to get them down. I am a control freak and can't bare not being able to control it. It doesn't help that it is the school holidays and the normal routine is out of the window and in it's place is lay ins and laziness. If he could he would play on the playstation all day! This is a constant worry for me as we all know that it's the constant highs that cause the long term damage.
I am tired of it all, and I sit and write this in the half hour I have spare at work I feel sick and could cry. For probably the first time since his diagnosis I find myself asking why? Why did it have to be him? Why is our live now ruled by numbers? High levels, low levels, carb values, insulin doses it is endless. I don't want to keep saying no, and I want him to be care free like his sisters. I want him to run around like a loon and it not make him feel poorly because his levels have dropped. I want him to be able to have a bag of crisps just because he wants them and not to have to look at the clock to see what the time is or what his level is. I miss the days when him and Olivia would get up before us and raid the biscuit tin!! Or, if we decide to go to the park we just go, we don't have to plan for hypos, and don't get me started on birthday parties!!
I realise that this all sounds silly but sometimes it's the simplest things that get you down. Over the last couple of days since I started to write this blog, things have happened to people I know that are truely tragic,a nd it makes me realise that things are not so bad.
So... Onwards and upwards and as Franklin D Roosevelt said "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."