It's not often that I use this word when talking about diabetes. From the moment Samuel was diagnosed in March '09 I have considered ourselves lucky. His diagnosis wasn't stressful or traumatic, he never had a chance to get 'sick' as we already knew what we were dealing with. Ive always thought that if Samuel 'had' to have something wrong then this was ok, it could have been far worse. For the last three we have plodded along with no real dramas, and even when I couldn't wake him from his hypo last week I was still ok, or so I thought.
It turns that what I should have done was give Samuel the glucagon injection when I couldn't wake him. This didn't even enter my head, I can't even say that it was because I was panicking because I wasn't. If anything I was cross, I was cross because for the first time Samuel hadn't responded how he always had before. I'd like to say that I would have used it if I hadn't managed to eventually get him to drink, but I can't be sure.
For the first time I am questioning myself and my confidence has gone. I feel completely rubbish!!
What didn't help was that the blue candles flashed up on fb this week indicating that someone has lost their fight with type 1 diabetes, this time a teenager.
I have spoken to many people about the situation that I find myself in. Becky ( SDN ) has been very reassuring. She said that at no point when I was explaining the hypo to her did she think that I had put Samuel in danger, and that if she thought I needed traing in anything she would tell me and call me in for some. Friends of mine can't see why I have got myself into such a state. Samuel is ok.
The problem is me, it's in my head and I can't shift it.
I am a control freak. I like to be in control of everything.
I can't control this.
I need things to be perfect, I need perfect numbers.
I can't get perfect numbers.
I need people to believe that I am strong enough to deal with anything.
I have never grieved for my healthy child when Samuel was diagnosed because I didn't see why anyone would.
Diabetes has never 'got' to me the way it has this week because I have never allowed it to. It has never made me cry until now.
Maybe it's time to hold my hands up and admit that "this CWD mumis struggling".